Radio Interview Live!

Tuesday, August 27, 6:30pm

It’s thirty minutes before I call in to a live radio interview. My heart is racing, and I’m clearing my throat every ten seconds. Afraid my throat will dry out, I’m sucking on a lozenge. On my desk is a mug of hot water with a dash of lemon juice. I read somewhere that this helps soothe speakers. What if I lose my voice or have to clear my throat on air?

woman headset

I’m not too worried about running out of things to say. Fortunately, I received some of the questions ahead of time, and so I’ve scribbled down notes. Also handy on my desk are my book brochures so I don’t forget what my books are about if asked. I’ll need to remember to mention my website and maybe plug our local writing organizations.

If I survive without coughing, choking, losing my voice, or sounding like a fool, I’ll deserve a big glass of wine.

Only twenty minutes to go. Clearing my throat again. Damn sniffles. It’s allergies and nerves combined, more the latter. I don’t get tense before a live speaking engagement. That doesn’t seem to bother me, but recordings? Yep.

Have to take a bathroom break before calling in. It’ll be an hour before the next chance comes along. Don’t forget to apply some lip gloss, too.

Another five minutes gone. What if my voice comes out as a squeak?

Ten minutes to go. It’ll be fun. I have a lot of information to share. Yeah, right. Keep telling yourself this. It’ll be like having a personal conversation and giving writing advice. I do that all of the time. Only now, people will be listening. Maybe nobody, or maybe hundreds. Gulp.

Signing off here now. It’s almost showtime. Calm is descending over me. It’ll be fun. I have knowledge and experience to share. I repeat my mantra.

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Whew, it’s over. Fortunately, the host was a great interviewer. She had one rapid-fire question after another for me to answer. Once I started talking, my writing brain took over and it was hard to curb my tongue. I could have rambled on for quite some time. From the few friends who listened, it appears the interview came across very well. Now that I know what to expect, I may even look forward to doing it again. It was fun, and I had a lot of information to share.

The host said there may be an online link to the recording eventually. If there is, I’ll post it on my sites.

So what do you say? Should I learn how to do a podcast next?

Creating Mood

Word choices are important when creating mood. Next time you read a scary story, look at the particular descriptive words the author uses. It takes work to get these right. Now let’s see how I put this to work for me. Here is my original paragraph:

Outside, I locked up and then turned toward the street. My shoes clicked on the pavement as I strolled down the sidewalk toward the parking lot. Overhanging branches shadowed the walls like skeletal limbs, blocking the light from street lamps. Crickets chirped their nightly chorus, nearly drowning the muted traffic sounds from Lake Avenue. Even that thoroughfare had quieted for the weekend.

streetlights

What’s wrong with this? “Crickets chirped” brightens the mood when I want this to description to raise tension. So here is version number two:

Outside, I locked up and then turned toward the street. My shoes clicked on the pavement as I strolled down the sidewalk toward the parking lot. Overhanging branches shadowed the walls like skeletal limbs, blocking the light from street lamps. The low, steady thrum of crickets nearly drowned the muted traffic sounds from Lake Avenue. Even that thoroughfare had quieted for the weekend.

tree branches

Oops. Lake Avenue is a bustling town center with restaurants that would be lively on a weekend evening, so it wouldn’t be quiet on a Sunday. Better delete that line. I don’t quite like the muted traffic sounds, either. This line should add to the suspense. Here is my final version along with the next couple of lines. Tell me what you think:

woman alone

Outside, I locked up and then turned toward the street. My shoes clicked on the pavement as I strolled down the sidewalk toward the parking lot. Overhanging branches shadowed the walls like skeletal limbs and blocked the light from street lamps. The low, steady thrum of crickets pulsed in the autumn air like a single-minded creature hidden in the shrubs.

A car engine idled nearby. I glanced over my shoulder, my nape prickling.

None of the cars parked along the curb had any lights on. I didn’t see anyone sitting in them, but somebody had started a motor within hearing distance.

The sensation grew that I was being watched, and goose bumps rose on my arms. My breath came short as my pulse rate rocketed.

I picked up speed, eager to reach my car. My foot banged against an uneven edge of pavement. I stumbled but regained my balance and hurried on. I’d just passed Elhambra’s Mystical Emporium when a roar sounded in my ears.

I whipped around. A pair of headlights lunged at me.

headlights

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This is a work in progress, so your suggestions are welcome. My advice is to write the story as it comes out and worry about nitpicking the word choices later. It’s easier to fix what’s already on the page. If you get too hung up with your pages being perfect, you’ll never progress. Write that first draft and then go back to polish.

Author Newsletters

Newly published authors often ask how to get readers on a mailing list for email newsletters. This process should start before you get a publisher. Once your book is sold, you’ll have an incredible amount of marketing to do. It’ll be helpful if you have already started collecting names. The approach is two-fold: online and in person.

I send my quarterly email newsletter to nearly 5000 readers, booksellers, and librarians. That’s nothing compared to a bestselling author, but to a newbie it may sound impressive. How did I gain these numbers? It didn’t happen overnight. It’s taken me years to build my lists.

Nancy Banner

Once you begin making public appearances, bring along a sign-up sheet to each event. I print out mine from Excel. One column is for the person’s full name. The other column is for their email address.

In the early days, I collected street addresses as well, but since the cost of postage has escalated, I no longer send postcards. Now all my mailings are online. However, if you plan to send out snail mail, you’ll need those home addresses. Or if you want to send a targeted email to fans announcing a signing or speaking engagement in their area, you’ll need their city and state.

So how else do you collect names, especially if you are unpublished? When you attend conferences and workshops, exchange business cards with everyone you meet. Today people are spam conscious, so ask if you may add the person to your email newsletter list. Jot a note on the back of the business card to remind you later where you met.

business cards

Sit with strangers at sponsored lunches or dinners and meet the people at your table. Hang out at the bar and give a friendly greeting to anyone wearing a conference badge. Introduce yourself to strangers while waiting in lines to go into a meal or to an event. Your mailing list will build this way, and over time you could gain lifelong fans.

After your book is published, you’ll receive fan mail. Ask if you may add the reader to your mailing list or direct them to your online opt-in form.

I categorize my lists so they separate into Booksellers, Contests, Fans, Librarians, Reviewers, and more. Why is this helpful? I might want to send a notice only to my readers when a new book comes out. Several months before, I might want to notify booksellers, librarians, and reviewers about an upcoming release. Friends, Family and other Authors are on my lists too, although I rarely bother them with announcements unless they have requested it.

Holding a contest is a great way to collect names for your lists. Rafflecopter is the easiest method. Go to http://www.rafflecopter.com/ and sign up for a free account. The program automatically does everything for you. You can add bonus entries and have people Like your Facebook page or tweet your contest. Create contest terms that state entrants will be entered into your mailing list. I have a contest running from now until Aug. 23 if you want to enter and see what I mean: https://nancyjcohen.com/fun-stuff/contest/.

Contest

You can join with other authors to offer a bigger prize and share mailing lists. For an example, visit Booklover’s Bench at http://bookloversbench.com, where I’ve joined with seven other writers. We offer monthly contests as well as excerpts and behind-the-scenes sections for you to learn more about us. We also cross-promote each other in our personal newsletters, offering giveaways from our colleagues. (I offer this as a bonus subscriber feature, so you have to subscribe to my newsletter to get the special contest offer.) Certainly my mailing lists numbers have increased as a result of our joint venture.

Another great site to hold a contest and gain a mailing list of usually over 1000 entrants is Fresh Fiction at http://www.freshfiction.com/. It costs $129 but if you do this once every few years, it adds substantially to your newsletter reader addresses.

When you accumulate too many names to send out individual emails, consider using a mass email newsletter program such as AWeber (http://www.aweber.com/), Constant Contact (http://www.constantcontact.com ), Mad Mimi (https://www.madmimi.com/), Mail Chimp (http://mailchimp.com/), Vertical Response (http://bit.ly/16u6fhl—This is what I use), or Your Mailing List Provider (http://www.ymlp.com/).

Start an Excel spreadsheet and keep your names and email addresses there. You can upload these worksheets to the programs above and then you also have a copy on your computer for backup.

I upload lists from my Excel program directly into Vertical Response. I pay for my newsletter per email but you can pay a monthly fee if you’d rather do so, depending on the volume of mail you want to send.

Put sign-up widgets on your website, blog, and Facebook page. Periodically request your fans on Facebook and Twitter to sign up for your mailing list. In case one of these social networking sites goes defunct, you don’t want to lose your friends. Back up your email lists on your computer, your flash drive, etc. They’re a valuable commodity, and you don’t want to lose them.

Once you accumulate enough names, how often should you send out a newsletter? I do mine quarterly. I can’t see sending one out more often. Generally, I accumulate my news until the next season rolls around. I don’t care to bombard people and respect their time, but other authors send monthly messages and that works for them.

What should you include in a newsletter? Your book news is a given—sales, new releases, extra editions, awards, and works in progress. Upcoming appearances including blog tour dates. Contests coordinated with your newsletter send-out date. Fun items like recipes or research notes. Social networking links. I’ll be happy to send you a copy of my latest newsletter if you email me. Pay careful attention to your subject header since that is what people will see in their Inbox. Getting recipients to open the email is more difficult. What methods do you use?

How else do you encourage people to sign up for your email lists?

NOTE: This post has been updated from the original version which first appeared at The Kill Zone, where I blog every other Wednesday. This is my week if you want to check this site out and visit on my day: http://killzoneauthors.blogspot.com

But more importantly, please go to my Website at https://nancyjcohen.com and sign up for my newsletter in the left-hand Sidebar.

Recent Recipes

I like to experiment and try new recipes. For the chicken stew, I combined two different recipes into one that would use up some ingredients I had in the house. It turned out pretty nice. The one below it is an easy company dish.

CHICKEN STEW

1 package Perdue original roasted chicken cuts
1 medium onion, chopped
4 garlic cloves, peeled and chopped
1 frozen package peas and carrots
1 frozen package cut green beans
2 Tbsp. cornstarch
1 can reduced sodium chicken broth
¼ teaspoon each cumin, curry powder, and ground ginger
1/3 cup plus ½ cup 2% milk, divided
1 cup biscuit mix or more if desired

Mix 1/3 cup milk into biscuit mix and set aside. Stir cornstarch into ½ cup milk. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a nonstick skillet, sauté onions and garlic until wilted. Add all other ingredients except for biscuit mix and heat until thickened. Transfer to greased baking dish. Drop biscuit mix by the tablespoon on top of casserole in separate mounds. Bake for 30 minutes or until biscuits are lightly browned on top and casserole is bubbly around the edges.

Option: Toss in ½ cup rice to skillet and compensate with enough white wine to add liquid for rice to absorb while in oven.

Chicken Stew1    Chicken Stew2


CHICKEN ARTICHOKE

1 package Perdue boneless skinless chicken breasts
1 jar artichoke bruschetta sauce

Place chicken breasts in greased baking dish. Spoon artichoke bruschetta sauce over each breast to coat. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes or until cooked through.

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For more Recipes, visit my website: https://nancyjcohen.com/fun-stuff/recipes/

What are Copyedits?

What’s the difference between line editing and copy editing? After your work gets accepted by a publishing house, your story editor will comb through it line by line looking for problems in structure, pacing, continuity, and logic. She’ll ask questions in the margins, make deletions, add lines where appropriate, and suggest improvements to some scenes.

So what does a copyeditor do that is different? This skilled editor focuses on grammar, punctuation, and spelling, as well as providing another set of eyes to detect omissions and errors. A word of advice—don’t use colons or semicolons as they may translate into peculiar characters during digital conversion. Consider an emdash instead. The same warning applies for the ampersand sign. Type out the word “and”.

After you polish your work umpteen times, you’ll have to suffer through three more reads for your story editor, copyeditor, and page proofs. And believe me, you will need each pass-through. I always find things to correct, no matter how many times I polish my stories.

Having just finished the latest set of copyedits for Hanging by a Hair, #11 in the Bad Hair Day Mysteries, I’d like to share what I learned. This time, I wrote the changes in a file I’m calling Style Sheet for this particular publisher. Keep in mind that each publishing house will differ in how they like things done. I’m not talking about fonts and line spacing. You can find that info in their submission guidelines. So what do I mean? Let’s take a look at my notes.

Remember when you used to please your teacher back in your school days? Each editor has his or her pet peeves. Learn them.

woman computer

Here are some preferences for my story editor:

Use he said/she said instead of too many action character tags. [Note: my other publisher prefers just the reverse.]

Don’t use “her eyes rounded/bulged/widened” unless your character is looking at someone else. Or say, she felt her eyes widen. [I don’t particularly agree with this, but hey, I aim to please.]

Be wary of making the amateur sleuth appear too nosy.

Avoid phrases like sounds “infiltrated her ears.” Use “she heard.”

Watch “his eyes glittered, blazed, darkened,” and let the dialogue speak for itself instead.

Don’t use Publix or Home Depot. Use supermarket or hardware store.

writer pencil

Now along comes the copyeditor. What sorts of things does she point out?

Capitalize wine types, i.e. Chardonnay [Again, another publisher might not do this.]
It’s a to-do list, not a To-Do list.
Sink into her bed, not onto her bed.
Seasons are not capitalized, i.e. fresh scent of spring, not Spring.
It’s caller I.D., not Caller I.D.
Uh-oh, not Uh, oh. [Again, my other publisher would do it the second way.]

These should be one word rather than two words or hyphenated:
Babysit, Checkout time, Coffeemaker, Doorbell, Doorknob, Fairyland, Hairbrush, Kindhearted, Lampposts, Midair, Peephole, Semisweet, Signposts, Timepiece, Townhouse, Windowsill, Workhorse, Wristwatch.

This should be hyphenated:
Bang-up job, Blow-dried her customer’s hair, Blow-out (as in, cut and blow-out), Boarded-up opening, Bottled-up rage, Cobalt-blue, Community-minded, Cross-referencing, Crime-solving skills, Class-action lawsuit, Crowd-buster, Deep-set eyes, First-timer, Freeze-dried foods, Going-away party, Good-quality wood, Hang-ups, Hard-boiled eggs, Heavy-duty belt, Heavy-set guy, High-rise, Higher-paying, Hurricane-force life, Hurricane-impact windows, Kettle-shaped clock, King-size bed, Last-minute problems, Late-afternoon air, Less-traveled, Lesser-known, Loose-fitting, Miles-long trail, Much-needed break, Next-door neighbor, Non-profit, Older-era movie star, Open-air entertainment, Orange-colored sport coat, Pet-grooming service, Plus-size lady, Put-down (as in, giving a put-down), Ranch-style house, Red-painted fingernails, Second-degree misdemeanor, Second-floor balcony, Short-staffed, Shoulder-length, Somber-faced, Stick-straight hair, Strike-out (as in, another strike-out), Thank-you notes, Three-tiered confection, Wheat-colored hair, Work-related, Wood-planked dance floor.

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I’ve printed these out so I can keep them by my side during subsequent drafts or revisions. It helps to know how your publishing house likes things done. You can disagree with suggested changes if they would alter your voice. Plus sometimes copy editors make mistakes. When this happens, point out that the original way stands and perhaps include evidence. For example, one copy editor once changed I-95 to Interstate Ninety-Five. I pointed out that no one here refers to it that way. I-95 stood its ground. In another case, the editor misspelled the name of a car model. I sent back a copy of an ad with the correct spelling. For the most part, though, by making many of these desired word or phrase choices early on, you’ll both be happier.

Disney and Dining

Last weekend we took a break from our condo duties to enjoy Disney’s Hollywood Studios (https://disneyworld.disney.go.com/destinations/hollywood-studios/).

We didn’t get far before thunder and lightning chased us into the Great Movie Ride. I wish they would update this attraction. It’s one of my favorites where you can sit in air-conditioned comfort and ride through classic movie scenes but the pre-show and features could use an update to more current titles. The Indiana Jones scene is the one I like the best. Wish they’d move the whole attraction here that they have in California.

Movie Ride   P1020520 (800x600)

P1010392 (800x600)  Tower Terror

By the time we left the ride, the rain had stopped. We ate lunch near Star Tours, stopped by the Writer’s Café, and strolled around for our afternoon exercise before leaving the park. We’ve been on most of the rides before so now mainly go to eat and people watch.

That night we dined at Emeril’s Choup Chop (http://www.emerilsrestaurants.com/emerils-tchoup-chop) in the Loews Royal Pacific Resort at Universal Orlando. The colorful décor, excellent service, and artistic food presentation make this a romantic spot for a special occasion. I had roasted duck breast with mashed sweet potatoes.

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The grounds were lovely to walk around. This would be a nice place to stay.

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Another day we walked around Downtown Disney. I was pleased to see parts of Pleasure Island blocked off for renovations. This whole area is supposed to be redesigned along with the Marketplace and renamed Disney Springs. It’ll be years before this gets done from the looks of it. I hope they add more reasonably priced restaurants.

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Now it’s back to work. I have the copyedits for Hanging by a Hair, then I have to do a final read through of Warrior Lord. Our soggy weather has been good for staying indoors and working.

Determining Theme in Novel Writing

Do you know your story’s theme before you begin writing? Many writing coaches will advise you to figure this out ahead of time and work symbolism into your story as you write. But what if you don’t have a clue as to what your theme should be? Sometimes the theme only becomes evident later, after you’ve completed the book. At that stage, a wise observer might point out that you’ve naturally incorporated symbolism into your story.

The point is not to worry about this analytical part of writing if you’d rather write your book in the heat of the moment.

writing

I’ve never set out to craft a story knowing my theme ahead of time. I’ll write a synopsis in my initial stage and do some character development, but heavy analysis would stop me dead. I need to let the story unravel, even though I know where it’s going. Thematic elements are there. I might not have recognized them yet.

Ask yourself this question after you’ve penned a few novels: What are your stories about? What is the core message that comes across? I’ve realized many of my works are about redemption. My heroine sleuth, Marla Shore, seeks to redeem herself for a past mistake. The first Bad Hair Day mystery, Permed to Death, reveals her sense of guilt and what she’s done to assuage it. Guilt is a great motivator. The theme of redemption is also evident in some of my romances where characters seek to redeem their self-respect or reputations.

coverPTD

But is that my only theme? Recently I’ve begun using the self-editing software mentioned below in a previous blog. I have been eliminating repetitive words within my manuscripts. One of my favored words is “just.” This word can also be found in “adjusted” and “justice.” Whoa. Justice?

justice scales

In Died Blonde, Marla goes to Cassadaga, FL and gets a reading from a certified medium. This spiritualist tells Marla the following:

The medium’s eyelids fluttered. “Right now, you’re obsessed with completing your task. You feel the need to pursue justice. Learning the truth will bring you peace.”

A chill captured Marla all the way to her toes. She’d pronounced similar words as part of her Bat Mitzvah speech: Justice, Justice, Shall You Pursue. How could they form on Hazel’s lips?

“Treat yourself fairly as you would treat others,” the medium explained. “Accept who you are, and you’ll find the power within you to move forward. Above all, don’t give up. The truth is just around the horizon.”

coverDBmm

These words become Marla’s mantra throughout the series. She seeks truth and justice.

Warrior Lord, book 3 in my paranormal Drift Lords series, also deals with this theme. Lord Magnor has been unjustly accused of a crime. Ditto the hero, a wanted fugitive, in Silver Serenade. Is the pursuit of justice another one of my themes? I believe so, and it’s one I’ve only now realized.

One of my favorite book series is Terry Goodkind’s Sword of Truth fantasy series. Why? Because Richard Rahl, the protagonist, is the Seeker of Truth. Richard seeks the truth in all matters, as does his love Kahlan, the Mother Confessor. Once under her spell, no one can lie. If you’re not into the books, check out the TV series Legend of the Seeker for swashbuckling adventure, fantasy, and romance.

Seeker

I didn’t set out to write about this theme, but there it is. So, too, might your theme reveal itself in your body of work.

Do you determine your theme ahead of time? What is your core message?

 

 

Self-Editing Software

Recently I did a second read-through of Warrior Lord, #3 in the Drift Lords series. I’d already done a pass for line editing, so I hoped this one would be my last in a sweep for smoothness and repetitions I might have missed. I ended up knocking off 17 pages worth of prose. Oh, no. Did this mean I’d have to read all 460 pages again? I’m too close to the story. It’ll have to be put aside for a month or more, and I’d lose valuable time when I could be submitting it.

While I pondered whether to consider submission now or not, I decided I’d better check for overusage of the word “just”, one of my favorite modifiers.

Uh, oh. I used the word “just” 135 times. This included such words as “adjusted” and “justice of the peace” so I ignored those instances. But on more than one page, I had used “just” twice.

Maybe there were more words like that one. I remembered bookmarking a site online that other authors recommended. It concerned a self-editing program for writers that would pick out problem areas like this, so I downloaded the free trial at http://www.smart-edit.com.

Whoa, my eyes popped at the results. The word “just” wasn’t my only debacle. I used “when” 256 times, “while” 182 times, “like” 235 times, “down” 210 times. Really? Even the word “forward” came up 82 times.

Clearly, more polishing was in order. The program analyzed my sentence starters. I begin sentences with “A” 227 times, “And” 110 times, and “But” 111 times. We all know lots of sentences start with “The”. Mine did so for 545 times. Oh, dear. I’d better pay more attention to varying my sentence structure. How did my earlier novels get by without this amazing software?

Then the program listed all the proper nouns used in the story. I discovered two different spellings for my hero’s homeworld: Agoora and Agora. I made that correction and moved on.

The software also listed all the curse words used in my story. Okay, I didn’t have very many and they weren’t that bad. They can stand, but if you want your work to be a PG rating, this task can be helpful.

It also points out clichés that you use. I didn’t realize I’d said “hands on” 11 times throughout the story. That might not seem like much for a 101,763 word novel, but I hadn’t realized I favored the phrase—as in the heroine puts her “hands on” her hips too many times. Fortunately, I didn’t have too many clichés and some I’d written on purpose so those other ones were okay to leave in.

Next up in the program comes misused words, such as accept/except, anxious/eager, any more/anymore. Hmm, would she be anxious for his approval, or eager for it?

Your dialogue tags don’t escape scrutiny, either. I used “said” 150 times and “asked” 54 times. There are occasions where a character bellows or shouts, but a singular usage in this instance might be acceptable. I’ll take another look to see if the dialogue can stand by itself.

Finally, suspect punctuation like exclamation marks are pointed out along with the story locations where you use them.

Amazed by the value of this program, I decided to sweep it by the non-Marla mystery I’ve been working on. Oh, my. Did I realize I’d used the phrase “my cell phone” 23 times in this 67,000 word manuscript? Yes, the program checks for repeated phrases along with repeated words. Speaking of the latter, favored words in this story were “could”, “like”, “didn’t”, and “time,” among others.

“Hands on” is another favorite cliché of mine is this story, too. I’d better watch out for that phrase hereafter.

Regarding punctuation, I had an extra space before an emdash. Imagine that?

I only ran the free trial for this program. The fully realized version allows you to set customized parameters. For $49.95, you can buy a license to use the program on your desktop and laptop computers running Windows. I don’t have any writing or story construction software, but this program seems essential. You might want to give it a try for yourself. http://www.smart-edit.com

Now I have more work to do. The book I thought was finished is not done. I had not polished it to perfection as I’d thought. My editor will have to wait weeks more for me to turn in this manuscript, but it’s a service to readers to make it the best it can be.

What writing tools do you use that may be helpful to other writers?

Polishing to Perfection

What’s wrong with this passage? When I am doing a final read-through of a manuscript prior to submission, I am looking for inconsistencies and repetitions. Can you detect what needs to be changed here:

“Good work.” Zohar slapped his shoulder. “Let’s get our gear and move out, people, before anything else surprises us.”

As his team hustled to obey, Zohar conferred with their allies. Magnor overheard him telling them to return home and assess the results. [Sentence removed due to series spoiler]

“What about the souls turned by those creatures?” asked a colonel from a foreign nation’s army.

Yaron stepped forward. “We’re working on a solution. Once our new cruiser arrives, I can synthesize and test the compound I’ve been refining as an antidote. In the meantime, help us spread the word that a pandemic virus is affecting people. This will explain any strange behavior.”

Zohar grasped his shoulder. “You have discovered a cure for the confounding spell?”

“I believe so, rageesh.”

Nira bustled toward them, her face covered in sweat and grime. Tear tracks ran down her cheeks. “The earthquakes are getting worse. We need to reach the mountain, or Loki might still win.”

“How’s Edith?” At Nira’s sad shake of the head, Zohar patted her shoulder. “I am sorry. She was a loyal friend.” He turned to the assembled crowd and raised his arms. “Listen, people, we thank you for your assistance this day. You’ve kept your word to join us in this battle, and we’ve been triumphant because of you. We’ll carry on from here, but know that you have our everlasting gratitude.”

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So what needs fixing this time? The first thing that jumped out at me is that I use the word “shoulder” three times:

Zohar slapped his shoulder
Zohar grasped his shoulder
Zohar patted her shoulder.

Oops! I kept the first one, and changed the second one to “Zohar’s eyebrows raised”. In the third one, Zohar pats her arm instead of her shoulder.

Whoops again. In the last paragraph, Zohar raises his arms. Too much repetition with “arm” and “raise”. This phrase gets deleted.

Then I note he says “people” twice. The second one becomes “everyone.” But now I have “everlasting gratitude”. Too many words start with “ever”. The second term becomes “eternal.” Here is the revised passage with these changes.

“Good work.” Zohar slapped his shoulder. “Let’s get our gear and move out, people, before anything else surprises us.”

As his team hustled to obey, Zohar conferred with their allies. Magnor overheard him telling them to return home and assess the results. [Sentence removed due to series spoiler]

“What about the souls turned by those creatures?” asked a colonel from a foreign nation’s army.

Yaron stepped forward. “We’re working on a solution. Once our new cruiser arrives, I can synthesize and test the compound I’ve been refining as an antidote. In the meantime, help us spread the word that a pandemic virus is affecting people. This will explain any strange behavior.”

Zohar’s eyebrows raised. “You have discovered a cure for the confounding spell?”

“I believe so, rageesh.”

Nira bustled toward them, her face covered in sweat and grime. Tear tracks ran down her cheeks. “The earthquakes are getting worse. We need to reach the mountain, or Loki might still win.”

“How’s Edith?” At Nira’s sad shake of the head, Zohar patted her arm. “I am sorry. She was a loyal friend.” He turned to the assembled crowd. “Listen, everyone, we thank you for your assistance this day. You’ve kept your word to join us in this battle, and we’ve been triumphant because of you. We’ll carry on from here, but know that you have our eternal gratitude.”

What else would you do?

This Week’s Events

Join me online today at Happily Ever After Thoughts where I discuss creating Larger than Life Heroes, and leave a comment for a chance to win an ebook copy of Circle of Light, book one in my paranormal/futuristic Light-Years Trilogy.

And this week in person….

June 27, Thursday, 1:00 – 2:30 pm, Creative Writers Club, South Regional/Broward College Library, 7300 Pines Blvd, Pembroke Pines, FL 33024.  954-201-8825.

June 29, Saturday, 10:00 – 12:00 noon, “How to Get Published the Traditional Way” with Nancy J. Cohen, Florida Authors Academy, Murder on the Beach Mystery Bookstore, 273 NE 2nd Avenue, Delray Beach, FL  33444, 561-279-7790, Fee for class; Advance Reservations required.